SLOWFASTSTOP

amorae:

Hey, kids! Now, those of us over here in the government have noticed that the suicide rate has gone up 8% for you teens in the past year. Now, we know that life can be incredibly difficult (what with angsty teen drama, th need for high-end fashion and technology, and oh so difficult classes). Some us in the government – believe it or not! – actually understand your desire to kill yourself! Yep, that’s right! We can relate to you!

We remember times in our lives when we thought suicide was the only option. Now, looking at these scores, we realize that we’re not the only ones in the country who have thought like this!

Did you know that 2 – 3 out of every 100,000 females will commit suicide? 11 – 12 males will commit suicide as well! Those numbers are daunting!

But we also realize another, even more horrifying number – there are 308,000,000 people in this country! On top of that, there are 6 billion people in the world. Wow! Those numbers are scary! The worst part of it is that the population is only going to grow, and it’s going to grow exponentially. For those of you teens who can’t remember what that means (hey – we’ve been there before! School’s stupid; down with the system!), it means that the number is going to just keep getting bigger and bigger until the world reaches carrying capacity!

What will happen when the Earth reaches carrying capacity? you might be asking – as you should be! The thing is, no scientist can really pin point when the Earth is going to go totally crazy on us and fix the population problem for itself. Some people say that 10 billion will be its limit, while others argue that it will be nearing 40 billion people before things start to collapse.

Those of us, here in the government, are beginning to realize what a serious problem the population will be unless we put a cap on it. It won’t be long until the generation before you have kids…then you’ll have kids…then your kids will have kids…and bam! One billion people in America!

That’s why – those of us here in the government – have decided that we must find a way to solve this problem.

So, here you go, all of you stressed out kids – here’s permission – from the government! – to kill yourself.

If you don’t think that you can do it yourself, all you have to do is hand write a note to us and sign it. Then we’ll send one of our soldiers out to your house and we’ll do the dirty work for you!

Now, we know that a lot of you probably have no idea how to kill yourself. That information has probably been held from you since you were young. But no worries! We have decided to give you a brief overview of ways to kill yourself, just in case the time rolls around when you need to resort to such measures. (Just remember – it’s for the greater good! It’s for America!)

1. A Gun to the Head. While this seems like a rather violent way to kill oneself, it is one of the most effective and quickest ways if you do it right. However, if you do not, it will mean being in pain for the rest of your life – unless you try again later on! But why make a mess? Just do it right the first time! What you must do is stick the barrel of the gun inside your mouth. Make sure it presses the back of your throat. Tilt the gun up so that it now points up. Pull back the trigger, wait for the bang! and you’re done! Hazaam!

2. Hanging Oneself. This is one of the oldest and most hallowed ways to kill someone. All you’ve got to do: tie a knot; secure it to the ceiling; stand up on a chair; stick your head in the knot; kick away from the chair; try not to flail and scream as you die!

Tying a noose can be the difficult part, though. So here are a few quick steps to make sure that you do it right the first time!

(a) Lay the rope in a nice, big “U” shape.

(b) Bring the other end of the rope down parallel to the “U” shape, so that it makes a sideways “S.” The lead side (your left!) should be left a little longer, so that it can be tied together when you’re all done.

(c) Grab the bottom of the original “U” and wrap the end of the rope (your right!) around the loop a few times. Make sure it goes from the bottom – near your hand – up.

(d) Poke the end of the rope through the top of the loop left by the “S” shape.

(e) Pull the right-side of the “U” through the coil that you’ve just made, until it holds the end of the rope securely.

Now you have your very own noose! Congratulations! Now all you’ve got to do is follow the steps listed above, and you’re good to go straight to Hell!

3. Take Prescription Pills. This one might be a little difficult for some of you who have helicopter parents. But, if this is the method you’d like to choose, the best pills for you to take are sleeping pills. They’re relatively cheap to buy off of some drug dealer at school – the shadier, the better! He might have laced them with brick powder! Just take the whole bottle. You’ll be gone in no time!

4. Jump. This is relatively simple. The only problem with it is that it would make a huge mess to clean up after! Just get in top of a super high building. Anything above two or three stories will do the job nicely! After you’re on top of the roof, just step right on off and try not to scream! (Note: you can also jump off of bridges, out of boats, out of trains, out of moving cars, out of airplanes – it’s truly your choice! Just roll on out and watch the fun ensue!)

5. Get Trampled to Death. This only works at certain times of the year, but it seems like a fun way to die! What you would need to do is get up nice and early on Black Friday morning. Stand in front of the line for Wal-Mart. Then, right as the doors open, just lie down. Let the people running into the store trample all over your poor body until they finally crush your lungs and other important organs! You’ll be dead in no time.

6. Amputate your Own Limbs and Bleed to Death. What you will need to do for this is this: go into Daddy’s tool shed (or Mommy’s, depending on who is the bread winner in the family) and take his chainsaw out. They are relatively easy to rev up. If it’s full of gas, all you’ll need to do is pull the string and watch it roar to life! If it doesn’t, just add the gas and you’ll be good to go. Now, from here, you can go a few different ways. You could either cut off your legs first, or you could just go the easy way and cut off your head. Don’t cut off your arms, though, or else you won’t be able to continue! Get creative with it, if you’d like.

There are many other ways you can accomplish the task of killing yourself. But we’ll let you guys think of it, now that you have the six basic ways! Always remember, that if you are too afraid to kill yourself, we will kill you in the way that we see fit.

Remember: this is ethical suicide. It’s for the greater good of your nation and your world! God will not be angry with you for killing yourself for the greater good. (Because you’re right: the world WOULD be better off without you! It’s no offense to you, really. But the world truly would be better off.)

Good luck, kiddos! Have fun, get creative, and remember that if anyone questions you, the government has got your back!